Summary of my past 6 months

It’s been a while since I’ve written in this space. I gave up blogging a long time ago so when I made this blog I promised myself to only write when provoked to share. No rules or schedules. I had a pretty bad start to the year. In came 2018 with panic attacks, fear and then I stopped taking my antidepressants which is a HUGE NO for me. I quickly learned I not only went downhill, I threw myself downhill.

Fast forward a few months ago and I got back on meds and back to counseling. Lots of processing with my counselor through unforgivness, hurt, and what moving on looks like right now. And so I wanted to come in and tell you what I feel I’ve been learning in the last few months.

1. It’s okay to fail. It’s okay to show humility and weakness. We have a savior who is our strength. I can’t be strong all the time nor do I want to be.

2. Say yes instead of saying no. At the beginning of the summer I was adamant on saying ‘no’ to a lot so I could ‘rest’ but that really meant I just didn’t feel like getting out and doing anything, with anyone other than my family. I didn’t feel like it physically or mentally. But something happened over this summer and I said YES but only to all the best ways of serving my family and friends. I said yes to my kids when I would of said no. I said yes to new things like painting classes and even the PTA board at my kids school- which I didn’t think I would ever do. But I notice when I say my best YES, it’s changed and challenged me as a person. To grow and get out there and talk to people and seek community. God doesn’t want me to stay the same or exactly where I am. I had to fight to grow, and it feels so good.

3. My panic attacks dissolved after I put fear in its place. Which is back to the enemy. I lived and breathed FEAR for most of my life. Fear of failure and hurt, but I’m so thankful I sought help and told my close family and friends what I was going through- and the ones that truly love me don’t hold high expectations or silly demands of me, they get I have mental illness and they help me. Not make me feel bad. I still have boughts I’d fear but I am better equipped to handle it now.

4. I’ve forgiven a lot of people, but my sweet counselor and also WISE counselor said I don’t have to be their best friend. Forgiveness and relationship doesn’t have to go hand in hand. We can be nice and friendly, but we can set boundaries. Even if it hurts feelings.

And that my friends, is a little summary of my past 6 months. ❤️ Mental illness is hard but I’m moving forward slowly- into a new season and I can feel it in my bones. A change of heart and mind is coming, and it’s closer to my people and to Jesus.


Ash

Struggling in the middle of a bad day

My first response when a subtle or huge change, I let myself go to the worst, darkest place in my head because I'm in paralyzing fear. 

As Christian woman, or any woman, society tells us we can't have a hard day. We can't show it. We can't be real- or its considered a weakness. It's a whole other level with mental illness. We can't write a Facebook status that says- I'm REALLY REALLY struggling today. I'm feeling so defeated. Today something small happened that sent me into an anxiety attack. We just can't say it out loud,  because we have to show we have it together. Society says if we are having a bad day- do a Pinterest project. Clean your house to pinterest worthy. 

So, today, I'm going to break down a hard day, and honest ways I personally get through them. 

We are NOT enough, but Jesus is. Our bad day, our bad circumstance is completely out of our control- and instead of reaching for our phones, our vices, we need to reach out to Jesus. Yesterday, in the middle of a really rough day, I just prayed out loud in my car for a half hour. I just LET IT GO, and let the Lord know what is going on, where my heart is, and invite Him into my space to help me. 

We need to know Jesus works it all out for our good. It sounds easier said than done- to wait on Jesus in the midst of a rough day. It can feel like the slowest thing to do. Wait. Not act. I notice when I try to take on everything without giving it all to Jesus- here comes a panic attack. It's taken the hard way for me to learn I can't do a thing about it. 

Get familiar with your bible. Open it up. Get you a pen- and write in your bible. My grandma is one of the most Godly women in my life, shes 90, and her bible is chalk full of side notes, underlining, thoughts. The evidence of a live lived with faith is a well woren bible. Don't worry about being scared to write in your bible- some people may be against doing it. Try it. Try it today. Take 5 minutes. 

Breathe. Especially if you suffer from depression. Any change- small or big can truly disrupt the day of a person dealing with mental illness. Take 5 slow deep breaths. I have to remember to collect my thoughts through out the day.

Also, write. My therapist asked me to get a journal and write. It sounds corny, but its one of the best things one can do. Write down your thoughts, your fears- and look back in a couple weeks to see how God worked that out. How God came in and handled it. It's quite amazing. My daughter's counselor told her to get a prayer jar and write her prayers she wanted answered in it- and she did and then we looked back weeks later to see God had completely taken care of her worries. 

These are simple things you can do, in the middle of the storm, a bad day, a bad trial. It not simple to take a hold of your thoughts and let them go to Jesus. Its pretty hard and requires some practice. I'm still learning. I'm still navigating. 

Yesterday I prayed for peace. Peace right in the middle of test, there His peace will be. Just ask for it. 

Panic Attacks- my story

I didn't realize or educate myself on panic attacks before the first time I had one- a few months ago. As you know if you follow me- I suffer from depression, and anxiety. Sadly, panic is a whole other island off the coast of those two. Last November, after saying goodnight to the family we had for dinner and starting to put the kids to bed- it all crashed down on me. A wave of PANIC. I felt like I was out of my body. I couldn't breathe, get control, and kept thinking crazy thoughts. After about 5 minutes my husband found me in the hallway- and I just collapsed in his arms. I looked up and said "Take me to the ER". If you know me, I hate inconveniencing anyone. Its the last thing I will do. I try to handle things on my own, but this- I knew I couldn't. The hospital is 25 minutes away- and we had just laid down our kids for the night. But I've never been in such distress in my life.

After having a few after that night, over the span of 4 months- I now know a thing or two about panic attacks, and would gladly take any feedback on them from other people dealing with them. One is- I've been trying to stay strong for far too long. Thinking I can handle it all, take on everything, and saying yes to everyone. Also, I'm in counseling and things from my past have rose to the surface from being suppressed for a long time. It all came to a head.

Two is- it only happens at night when I'm settling my mind down. All these scary fears, thoughts come rushing in. 

Okay, so that's all I know about my panic. Now I have to learn how to overcome. It's hard when your mind and body overtake you. It feels like drowning, is the only comparable. There are many horrific feelings that come from panic attacks. This is what I've found to be helpful.

Look around you. Count 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. It's a grounding exercise that helps take your mind off your palpitation and focus on something else. When I do this, I find my heart rate slows. 

Breathe. I take a deep breath in, hold for 3 seconds, and release for 5 seconds. 

This one is the hardest, but I try to not think fearful thoughts. I go to what I know for sure- Truth. So I envision Jesus walking on water or something very calming and then I remember how many times in the bible it says to not fear. Mind over matter is huge in this process.

I still have panic attacks, but the intensity has lessened, thankfully, to these practices. 

Can I also note- that life is hard and we weren't meant to take on everything. We weren't meant to. We can't worry and will have to let go of the fact of pleasing everyone, doing everything we think we need to, and just say no sometimes and YES to rest. It's what I am being forced to learn right now, because I've been doing a lifetime of trying to master it all instead of letting God. If we don't let God, we don't trust God. So, we have to let go and give it all up to Him.

When I had my worst panic attacks- insane thoughts would come to my head. Thoughts that I was a burden to my family, that I'm worthless, that I am no good at anything. Recite truth over and over in your panic attacks. My family needs me. God has a purpose for me. I can do anything in Christ who strengthens me. Recite, repeat.

More on panic attacks later. I am still learning about them and what to do. But if you are battling them, or have overcame them- I would love any feedback. 

Ash

Learning in the Trenches

Learning to live with depression is a lot like trying to swim the ocean while during a storm. Sometimes you can’t feel under you. You can’t see what’s in front of you. Mostly you look behind you wishing you’d stayed on shore. Fear is all around you. Hope is hard to feel. You’d look to see the beauty but you just can’t. So you see the worst possible scenario. — and you’re ALWAYS expecting  the enemy because he likes to show up when you’re weak. 

I sit in therapy once a month. Trying to dig through a ton of problems that stemmed from a tough past, and being passed down depression through genes. My therapist says I can cuss, yell- anything I need to get the pain out. I haven’t cussed yet. But I have yelled. I’ve cried. I’ve felt like it wasn’t helping to talk about my heart. Mostly my depression makes me feel like I’m nearly invisible- like my feelings don’t matter. I don’t have anything important to say or do. Depression robs. Therapy is just plain hard. What you see on Instagram isn’t what’s all there- I struggle every day. I struggle to see blessings and beauty because I fear one of two things will happen- I’ll finally see the light and then everything will fall out from under me, or I can’t see the light and I feel better being in the dark. 

Progress, even if small, if meaningful. If you’re in the trenches. I’m there too. One day I’d like to be out of the trenches. But for now, I’m learning in them. I’m learning how to change my thoughts, and change my life- even in the smallest of ways. I stopped looking to the right and left of me. How others and running and the race- and I focus on my own race. I am very gentle with myself because for 30 years- I’ve cut myself to shreds. I’m learning to rest. Real true biblical rest. Heart and soul. I’m still learning what that means. 

So friends, here is to 2018 💕

May it find you well, and know you are loved. 

Ashley 

What to listen to when you have depression, and what not to listen to.

What I've learned most this past couple of years with depression, and the road to healing is that you have to know and realize what kinds of people/things influence it even when you don't know it. With that being said, I've cut about half of the people I used to talk to out of my life. That sounds so harsh, and I get it. I do love all people, but I have found out I can love some of those people from afar.

What I have also learned is to really be discerning what I listen to. Enter podcasts, music, books.

I've replaced a substantial amount of noise with the right things. Depression can make it hard and confusing when you put yourself in the way of opinions, thoughts, judgement. It can a person think they are not worthy. Depression is straight from the enemy, if you want a biblical perspective. It says in the bible he is out to kill, steal and destroy. (John 10:10)  It also says he lies in his native language and the father of lies. (John 8:44) He wants nothing more than to make you believe and live upset, troubled, mad, hurt, and depressed.

Here are some personal things I have traded this past year for more important ways of treating my illness. Plus some things that helped.

Podcasts. I'm a true believer in using my phone for good. In the past, I realized mindless scrolling and looking in on people's lives was making my mind irractic and I came away feeling depleted and feeling less than. So, I can listen to podcasts without having my phone lit up. I can clean, run errands and more with a podcast, My favorite podcast is Setapartgirl. All one word. She is amazing, and other podcasts pale in comparison. More podcasts I love are Journeywomen, Oprah's Super Soul Conversations, Revelation Wellness. I have more I listen to, but those are the MVP's.

Books. I have come to realize just because it is written by a woman with a woman's perspective doesn't mean its going to help me. A lot of books out there are a ton of fluff. My personal favorite are the ones that think there are ten easy steps toward anything. I don't think we as woman need to have a rule book that makes us feel that if we make dinner and slap on a happy face that will cure our problems. Our problems have roots, and we have to get to that root. Some of the books I love are Dance, stand run by Jess Connolly, The Life Giving Table by Sally Clarkson, Uninvited by Lysa TerKerust. I believe a lot of books mean well, with messages that say "Live Present", "Live Free' but fail to have any sound doctrine. 

Looking out for the wrong messages. Listen, I totally have believed the slogan "Love Yourself", "They believe she couldn't, so she did". While these are amazing to look at, to me they just aren't all the way true. Nothing beneath the surface. Yes we are called to love ourselves, but we can't strive everyday to love ourselves and focus on ourselves when there is a dying, hurting world out there. Let's love others. Maybe they believed she couldn't, so God did. I always look deeper. 

Friends and Family who just don't get it, and don't want to. The reason I put up the picture of my husband and girls is that in therapy, I learned that their opinions is truly the only one that matters to me, along with some very close other family. I used to let "family" walk all over me, tell me what they thought, never get to know me, or challenge me. Ten years of that. I felt like I was in an ocean and as soon as I got my head above water, here came another wave. I love family, I believe in tribe, circles, surrounding yourself with kindred souls who push you forward and support you, and thank the good Lord I have those. In gaining my circle, I also had to let some out of the circle. They didn't take that well. If they truly love you, they will find a way back in and change how they treat you. With depression, you just can't pour out and never get anything back. I just can't bounce back fast if someone takes and takes from me and I never see the fruits. This doesn't mean I hate their guts. It just means I love from afar.

Again, these are just my thoughts. Others may have more to add to this list, or different thoughts. But if you're in the thick of it, changing what you listen to all around, may put you on the road to healing.  Not stuck in the ditch.

Ashley

The REAL about depression, and it may not be what you think.

 One of my favorite pictures of my reasons WHY I'm fighting and not giving in to my depression.

I have a very hard time talking about my depression, because I don't want it to define me or be a black cloud where people run away. I try not to mention it unless there is power behind it. A way to help others. A light shown on the problem. \

Most things people don't know about depression/ stigmas:

If you don't have it, don't form an opinion on it. Its a disease that the person with it can't help. Saying things like "Well, shes bipolar today" or "Just cheer up" is truly ignorant when you don't know the half of how they are feeling. People shouldn't make shallow remarks to someone dealing with it. Making them feel guilty may deter them from seeking help, thinking they are a failure. Words need to be life giving and educated towards a person with depression. Its an isolating illness.

Thinking a depressed person can snap out of it, and be fine in seconds is another one of my favorites. No one chooses depression. They just learn to live with it.

Thinking a person is weak for choosing the route of medication, therapy or both. I love the saying "God will heal your depression!" or they will go into their own story about how they were delivered out of it with natural remedies. Well, I love God and I am very strong in my faith but sometimes God doesn't fix it. Maybe its apart of our story, maybe its apart of His plan. I haven't found the right answer yet. But God did give us doctors, therapists and medicine for a reason. I do believe in turning to God himself first of all, and all the rest of my remedies are secondary.

Mental illness is not just one lumped together disease. Its a wide range of conditions with different symptoms. There are 450 million people worldwide that suffer from mental illness.

Okay, now on to the good things about mental illness. Here is what I've learned about myself in this journey.

It's forced me to have better, intentional relationships, and weed out the bad ones. The first few years as a new mom weren't my best years. Depression robbed most of those years. But, in the recent years, my illness has made me wake up and seek to have a very close family unit. I encourage my husband and children to talk about what they are feeling, what they are thinking. Even though they don't have depression- it makes all of us open up and talk.

It's made me more compassionate. I am very aware of others and their circumstances, their feelings. I reach out and ask. I don't like putting a fake front out there that everything is okay, everyday. That I never suffer or feel down. We should be reaching each other on a more transparent level, making them feel comfortable to share what is really going on in their hearts.

It's forced me to seek out for an objective voice. I finally went to therapy this year. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do. but she makes me dig under the surface to the roots of my heart. Which is not something I wanted to do. I never knew the extent of what I was harboring all those years. To name a few- unforgivness, a horrible sense of self worth, and extreme anxiety. That hour is an hour I pour out, and I don't have to burden my family with wanting to talk about it all the time. I don't want to make anyone else feel down, so I channel it in to therapy.

It's made me need God more now than ever. Praying and interceeding is huge. Ive read more of the bible in the last year than ever before. I've come to my knees more than ever before. This year is the first year I feel I'm healing, and not in a dark place like the last 10 years.

Lastly, its made me see that life has been hard and I have the battle scars. I'll never be unscathed from the past. But, I can change the future. My kids. My family. My faith. Some days are so tough. If I gave into my illness, I wouldn't even get out of bed in the morning. Believe me, every morning I feel it. I make myself get up, I make myself live life. I break through the zipped up sleeping bag feeling. Which is- thats what my depression feels like- a zipped up sleeping bag I can't get out of, which is not how I want to feel for the rest of my life.

Reach out to others. If you don't have it, if you have it. Reach out. For help, for education. Start the hard conversation, and you'll be far from where you started. You wouldn't even know someone people have depression, because they try and conceal it. Reach out, around those walls and break in. It might just be the most revolutionary thing you can do. You may help them, you may save their life.


Ashley

The road to Ashley Writes

Hello dear friends. 

I used to have a blog, and be very invested in it. But I quit 4 years ago. I didn’t intend to quit completely but life gets in the way. Mostly I didn’t know if I had anything important to say because there are so many blogs out there. Another thing is- I didn’t know who I was or what was good about me. I didn’t know what to write about because every time I pressed publish I was so scared that the words weren’t good enough. People would think I’m stupid. Welcome to the world of depression/ anxiety. Which I’ve suffered from all my adult years. I didn’t want to drag anyone down as I talked about it, so I just stopped writing. As I write more, I will open up about it. My therapist told me to write. If I want to get better- I need to see my words out of my own head. So here I am. 🙂 I don’t have it all together, mostly I struggle to walk out the door everyday and push forward. I’m not going to show you perfect put together recipes or a sparkly life. I’m just going to be real, honest, and hope that it helps someone out there along the way. This isn’t a blog about 10 easy steps to get a cleaner kitchen. Folks, it’s a struggle to get the dishes done everyday. I can’t stand those kinds of blogs. I just want to read someone’s story, their testimony, their heart and start a conversation about life. Hard life. Not Instagram square life. 

When I think about to my old blog I didn’t write a word about depression. So that’s how I knew I was wearing a mask. That’s why I quit. I wasn’t pouring myself out in a real way. Showing the battle scars. We need to be real, and reach out to those who need reached. That to me, is a purposeful life. Join me in the comments and tell me about you. Welcome to ashley, writes. 

Ashley